Your Child is Not Misbehaving: How Stress Affects Behaviour

A common definition of stress is “an imbalance between the ability and capacity to cope and the demands placed on that person”.  Other researchers believe that stress is anything that requires a great amount of energy to bring us back to our body’s baseline.  Let’s just pause for a moment and think about that definition.

In that definition, we are asked to focus on the amount of energy it takes to deal with a stressor – remember stress behaviour occurs most often during low energy, high tension.  In order to cope effectively, what is needed most here is rest and recovery.

Modern books and parenting theories talk about stress in terms of psycho-social stress.  This stress is related to keeping up with those around you.  For children, this means keeping up with school grades, sports and other extra-curricular activities, and the need to fit in.

This popular definition of stress interprets stressors as things that are happening to you only within the social and emotional domains.  This definition, although popular, is narrow minded.

Stress that uses up our energy can occur in many different domains. Let’s take a look at the different domains of stress.

• Biological – not enough exercise, eating food that is unhealthy, heartrate, breathing, sleep.
• Emotional – strong emotions, both positive (over–excited) and negative (anger, fear).
• Cognitive – difficulty processing certain kinds of information, overstimulation.
• Social – difficulty picking up on social cues, the need to belong, feelings of loneliness or isolation.
• Pro-social – Difficulty coping with other peoples’ stress, the ability to see the needs of others.
• Environmental – environmental factors that can cause stress, lights, sounds, speed of movement, temperature.

Each of these domains has its own individual and unique stressors, but they are all interlocked in such a way that stress in any one domain can exacerbate stress-reactivity in another. When a person is caught in a stress-cycle, stressors have a multiplying effect on each other. This can lead to problems in behaviour, mood, attention, and health.

I think it is of the utmost importance to take a moment to consider and examine our expectations for our children within these domains.  Are our expectations appropriate for our child’s age and development?  Do our children even have the skills needed to fill our expectations?  Let’s go back to our example behaviours…

Did your child interrupt your phone call because they didn’t have the skills to deal with feeling isolated or separated from you?

Your child so excited to play with the other child’s toy, but did they understand that grabbing it from the child would make that child feel sad?  Does your child have the communication skills to ask for a turn with that toy?

Did your child kick the other child because they felt threatened by the child standing too close, and kicking was for protection?  Were they hot and irritated from the summer heat, or even hungry?

And for all of these examples – Does your child need rest from stress?  Does your child know how to return back to calm?

Many people believe that a child undergoing medical treatment for retinoblastoma is too young to have long term effects.  Actually, the opposite is true.  Remember, children are experiential, they feel. Adults are cognitive, we interpret things and try to understand them in a logical way.  A child of any age involved in a traumatic medical treatment can experience the resulting stress within any of the domains, without a cognitive understanding of it.

Let’s take a closer look at how medical trauma at an early age can affect a child’s brain development, and how their response to stress may be different from a child who has not had the same experiences.

Cortisol is a hormone secreted during the stress response.  High cortisol levels help signal to the brain and body that the stress is not finished yet, and energy is still needed to deal with that stress.

With chronic stress, cortisol is released for longer periods of time.  This can have long-term effects on gene expression in the brain circuits involved in managing stress responsiveness, emotion, and memory.

Chronic stress and trauma actually re-wire a person’s brain.  When that trauma occurs in the early stages of life, when brain development is at its peak, repeated stress will create new and strong pathways within the brain.

MRI studies have shown that a brain under extreme stress has a larger amygdala.  Therefore, situations (even non-threatening ones) are always interpreted through a lens of fear and threat.  This will result in behaviour that is defensive and potentially aggressive, and a child whose energy stores are depleted.

Your responses to your child’s behaviour always need to go back to safety and security – does my child feel safe and secure?

Dr. Shanker is an amazing resource for how children experience and cope with stress, and how to develop self-regulation.  This helpful PDF guide gives examples of stress behaviours in five different domains of self-regulation.  The MEHRIT Centre website contains many more resources for parents, educators, community leaders and all.

Helping a child manage their stress behaviour involves

1. Taking a moment to be calm when you respond.
2. Identifying causes of the stress behaviour, and solutions for them.
3. Restoring calm and helping your child understand what calm means.
4. Help your child build healthful coping strategies to manage their stress.

When the undesirable behaviour is occurring, before you do anything – PAUSE.  Take a moment before you react to a child’s undesirable behaviour.  Pausing will help you to maintain a level of calm within yourself, and allow you to begin to look at and understand what this behaviour is trying to tell you.

Figure out what the stressor(s) is and look at ways to reduce the stress.  For example, what is the primary domain of stress being affected, does the child need some skill development?

Help your child to feel calm.  In the moment when a stressful event is taking place, this may require you to be very involved and support the child’s ability to reach a calm state.  For example – taking deep breaths together.

However, the best time to teach your child what calm feels like is when you are not in the moment, and your child is not feeling stressed out.  This is important so your child knows and understands (physically, cognitively, emotionally) what they are trying to come back to, what is baseline.

I worked with a child who was very good at taking a deep breath during a stressful event, but his shoulders were touching his ears, his hands in tight fists, his legs as stiff as two tree trunks and he would shout out loud “I AM CALM!  I TOOK A DEEP BREATH!”  This was NOT calm and it was important when the stress event was finished to go back and talk about what calm is.

When speaking with your child about what calm feels like, you want to talk about, and bring awareness to, the experience of calm within each domain.

Biological: what is happening in the body – slower heartbeat, rhythmic breathing, no muscle tension.

Emotional: you feel SAFE, you feel loved.

Social: you feel accepted, and connected.

Prosocial: you are able to experience empathy for others.

Cognitive: you can think logically and problem solve.

Environmental: you are aware of the noises, sights and movements around you, but you are not bothered by them.

This is CALM.

Help your child build healthful coping strategies that enable them to come back to calm when they begin to feel stress.  This can include mindfulness techniques (including mindful breathing), body awareness, positive ways to let go of high energy, and building of communication skills.

Parents can support the child in coping through the language they use.  In your language, include the Do’s.  For example:

Instead of “don’t grab that toy” –

Say “wow you are excited to play with that toy, please do use your words to say that you want a turn next”.

Instead of “don’t interrupt” –

Say “Do sit quietly with me while I am on the phone, or bring your toys close by”.

Instead of “don’t kick” –

Say “Please do use your words, walk away or ask an adult for help if you feel threatened by someone standing too close to you”.

Please note: points 2, 3 and 4 can occur in any order, or even all at the same time.

A great way to connect with your child(ren) is by having a weekly family meeting.  This is a time when the family is priority, and it is a positive and safe space for each member of the family to share their feelings.  On the agenda:

Begin with compliments and appreciations.  Each member of the family says something positive about each member of the family.  For example:

• “I really liked it when you…”
• “I am really thankful that you…”
• “You did a great job when…”

Next review the events happening that week, so everyone is aware of the plan and expectations for the week ahead.  You can trouble shoot here by planning ahead if there are busy days.  For example, “on Monday we have a lot going on, let’s order a pizza for dinner and use paper plates”.

Check In is a time that allows your child to express themselves and tell you how they are feeling, and what is happening in their world.  This is also a great opportunity for problem solving and skill building.

In my family, each week we rotate – one family member is responsible to lead the family activity, giving each of us a turn to be a leader and a participant.  We also take turns leading a mindfulness activity as part of our skill building.

Family meetings are meant to be a safe and supportive space.  Sometimes it takes a little time to reach a place where everyone feels comfortable with sharing their feelings, especially during the check in.  Do not worry if not every member of the family is ready for a check in.  Focus on building safety first, and remember to have fun!

Dr. Gordon Neufeld is an advocate for the parent–child relationship, and a leader in attachment theory.  This is one of my favourite resources on the importance and power of rest for a child through connection and relationship with parents.